Lesson 6:The Frustrations of Communication

From Toddlers to Teens to Relationships (And How to Actually Make It Better)

You ever feel like you're talking into a void?

Like you're saying all the right things—and still not being heard? Whether it's with your toddler, your teenager, or your partner, communication can feel like one of the most maddening, beautiful, and completely necessary parts of life. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Right now, I’m deep in the trenches of navigating communication with my toddler. At the same time, I find myself reflecting on how these same dynamics show up with my clients—both the teens and the parents. And let’s be honest, I’ve had more than a few moments of miscommunication in adult relationships, too.

We often say that communication is the foundation of all connection. And it is. But it’s also the root of a lot of misunderstandings, stress, and full-blown meltdowns (sometimes theirs, sometimes ours). What I’ve come to realize is that communication isn’t just about the words we use. It’s about timing. It’s about emotional safety. It’s about pausing long enough to listen—really listen—even when we’re tired, frustrated, or running late.

Let’s start at the beginning.

The Toddler Phase:

My daughter, Charli, is in that wildly endearing and often exhausting stage of language development. Every day she surprises me with new sounds, gestures, and words that sometimes make perfect sense—and sometimes... not so much. And when the words don’t come? She screams, cries and generally makes her displeasure known to all around her. It’s not that she’s trying to be defiant. She’s doing what all of us do when we feel something big and don’t have the language to express it: she reacts. Loudly. Honestly, I get it. How many times have I felt something—stress, sadness, pure rage at a situation I can’t fix—and didn’t know how to say what I needed?

Here are a few tools that are helping me, and her, navigate this season:

🛠 Tools for Communicating with Toddlers (that work for older kids and adults too):

• Slow down and model the words. When she’s screaming for the blue spoon, I try not to meet her energy (not always easy!). I’ll sit beside her and say, “You’re upset because you want the blue cup, huh?” It doesn’t fix everything, but it helps her see what those feelings sound like in words.
  ❌ What not to do: Don’t shout over them or demand they "use their words" when they’re clearly overwhelmed.

• Offer choices. Toddlers are little humans with big desires for control. Giving simple options like “Do you want the blue spoon or the red spoon?” not only calms the situation but teaches decision-making.
  ❌ What not to do: Avoid giving open-ended questions like “What do you want?”—it can overwhelm them and lead to more frustration. Especially when she may not know what she wants.

• Validate emotions. Sometimes she doesn’t need the spoon at all—she just needs to know I see her. Saying, “It’s okay to feel frustrated,” helps her understand that emotions are allowed, even before she has the vocabulary to name them.
  ❌ What not to do: Don’t dismiss their feelings or try to distract them every time they’re upset. It teaches them their emotions don’t matter.

Teenagers: Speaking a Different Language (Literally)

Then there are teenagers—tiny adults with very real feelings and a vocabulary that sometimes sounds like it came from another planet. If you've heard a teen say something like “That’s so skibidi,” or mention having “rizz,” you might feel like you're in a TikTok alternate universe. And while it might seem like they’re deliberately speaking in code to exclude us, what they’re really doing is forming identity—finding their place in a peer world where belonging is everything.

And you know what? That’s hard to do when adults are constantly correcting or dismissing them.

🛠 Tools for Communicating with Teens:

• Help them find their people. Not every teen is going to connect deeply with their family or even their school peers—and that’s okay. Pay attention to the adults, mentors, or peers they do connect with and support those relationships. Sometimes, the most healing conversations happen when someone else helps them feel safe and seen.
  ❌ What not to do: Don’t assume you have to be their only source of connection. It’s not a failure if someone else becomes their safe space—it’s a gift.

• Listen twice as much as you talk. This has been huge for me. A therapist I have worked with for years, Greg Burnham used to say you have two ears and one mouth. Try to listen twice as much as you speak.  When I ask, “What does that mean?” instead of rolling my eyes, it opens up a conversation. Even if I still don’t get it, they feel seen.
  ❌ What not to do: Don’t mock their slang or act like their words are silly or meaningless.

• Respect their style. Some teens will talk more over text than face-to-face. Others open up during side-by-side moments—like in the car or during a walk. Find what works and meet them there.
  ❌ What not to do: Don’t force a “sit down and talk” moment every time something needs to be discussed. That can make them shut down.

• Create space, not pressure. The best conversations often don’t happen when we demand them. They happen when a teen feels safe, unjudged, and knows we’re not there to lecture.
  ❌ What not to do: Don’t push for eye contact or emotional vulnerability on your timeline. Give them room to come to you.

Adult Relationships: When Words Still Miss the Mark

And then there’s us. Supposedly fully developed, emotionally literate adults. And yet, we still miscommunicate. Constantly. How many times have you said something to a partner and watched it land completely differently than you intended? It happens in long-term relationships, new ones, and even friendships. We think we’re being clear, but we’re often speaking from our perspective, not considering how it's received.

🛠 Tools for Communicating with a Partner and Friends:

• Try to see the best in them. When tensions rise, it's easy to assume the worst—that someone is being selfish, careless, or intentionally hurtful. But often, they’re doing the best they can with the tools they have. Try giving the benefit of the doubt. Ask yourself, "What if they’re trying to protect something important, or just not sure how to say what they mean?" Believing that the other person has good intentions can shift the whole tone of the conversation.
  ❌ What not to do: Don’t jump to conclusions or assign negative motives without asking. That just builds walls instead of bridges.

• Take a pause. When tension rises, I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) that a short break can save a relationship from unnecessary hurt. Step back, breathe, and return when both of you are calmer. Sometimes, you may need more than just a moment or two. That’s okay—as long as you agree on a time and place to come back together to finish the conversation. And if that time comes and you still don’t feel ready, it’s okay to ask for more time. Just keep the lines of communication open and respectful.
  ❌ What not to do: Don’t push through a heated conversation just to get it over with—it usually makes things worse.

• Try writing it down. Seriously. Whether it's a journal, shared notes app, or even a real notebook left on the kitchen table—sometimes it’s easier to write what we’re feeling before we speak it out loud. Writing, drawing, or even texting can all be valid and effective forms of communication. Sometimes, these approaches help us express thoughts and emotions more clearly than spoken words ever could.
  ❌ What not to do: Don’t use writing as a substitute for actual conversation forever—it’s a bridge, not the destination.

• Ask instead of assume. “What do you need from me right now?” has defused so many moments that could’ve gone sideways. It’s such a simple question, and yet it invites clarity and connection.
  ❌ What not to do: Don’t assume you already know what they’re thinking or feeling—ask and listen.

What It All Comes Down To

As my favorite poet and humanitarian, Maya Angelou so beautifully said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

That quote rings especially true when it comes to communication. No matter the age or stage, the common thread in all of this is a desire to be understood. That’s it. Whether it’s a toddler who screams because she doesn’t have the words, a teen who uses slang to feel seen, or a partner who just wants you to hear the heart behind the words—they’re all seeking the same thing: connection. And connection doesn’t require perfection. It requires patience, curiosity, and the willingness to pause—again and again.

So if you’re in a season where communication feels hard, just know: you’re not alone. None of us get it right all the time. But every time we slow down, try again, and choose empathy over reaction, we move one step closer to understanding each other. And that, more than the words themselves, is what really matters.